Hello everyone, I’m finally back to writing, 3 months older. I don’t want to do the whole “sorry I haven’t been here” spiel, because I feel it was for the best of my sanity.
1: Mustard Months
The reason for my disappearance is because I was real messed up during the past months. March I think is when it really hit hard; when all the toppings on the Sandwich of Life began to topple and fall out for me. I was in one of those weird states that I just wanted to be sad; I didn’t want to help myself. Then things started to slide down; I was angry now and I didn’t want to give anyone the time of day. I wanted to be sad because it was a way for me to handle people’s BS; it was a way for me to shut down and let everyone’s stupid remarks slide off because I thought that was how I could be different from others. I thought that being good to others even when they would hurt me was how I could help myself and be wonderful in God’s eyes. But I realized I’m not a God myself, I wasn’t born to be some modern-age Messiah. So I became angry and I’ve never felt it before; but I became real bitter. I tried to numb myself by overfilling my Life Sandwich with too much Dijon. I enjoyed relishing in the relish. I felt guilty for being angry, but I don’t need to impress anyone, and I was starting to realize that there is some sort of rational in being irrational. I wanted to be angry but I knew others were going through their own strife. I was torn with the feeling of exploding and helping the hurt. I hated that everything was falling into place; that my life is just like someone else’s. I hated that it was true that things were easier back then; that that one memory of eating chicken wings with my godparents would hurt so much now. Why does life always have to play out by the book sometimes? I’m sure this is what teen angst is, but why does being young hurt so much when I want to be happy during it?
Things to Ketchup On:
In the time that I was gone, I won an art award, my hair grew longer, stopped wearing foundation, got my first real pair of heels, watched a ballet, saw the stars clearly in the night sky, finished my kdrama series, laughed, and cried a whole lot. I’ve gotten out of the pit of my mustard mind, but it still feels good to be sad sometimes. I’m glad I went through that shmear of emotions though. The first time I realized I was in the midst of a state of depression was a long time ago, but until now I never acknowledged how much depression could spread into different flavors and emotions. I feel content again, and a bit more stable from feeling lost. Though I’m sure the Vegas heat will bring me down, I’m gonna be okay today. It’s rainy and cold and I finally mustered up my motivation to write again. For those who may be worried, don’t be. I feel that those who have the most troubled minds are the ones who can prevail and find more meaning in the quiet times. I can’t start my sandwich over but I can surely build more delicious things on top of it.